Lately there has been a resurgence of popularity in Comic books and as a result we have seen a spike in comic book film adaptations. This has given us some great films such as Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Etc. However we have also seen some shit-tacular movies such as Spider-man 3, Daredevil, and Elektra. In the first installment of Comic book movie sucktations I will review the dreaded Spider-man 3.
Now Spider-man 3 started off alright, we had Sandman, and Harry Osbourne trying to get revenge on Spider-man. Then all of a sudden the shit hit the fan when the symbiote merges with his costume. What should have been the best part of the movie was turned to shit. Now let’s just stop here a second. This movie goes from the comic book black suit which makes spider-man pretty much a stronger, more badass version of himself, to the movie version which yeah kinda makes him stronger but it’s most noticeable change is that it makes him act like a 7-year old whiny emo bitch. Oh and let’s not forget the dancing and his pretty much being a bag O’ douchearama. This is the part of the movie where we get such acting gems as “ Your Trash, Brock”…or the wonderful dancing down a Manhattan street to buy a suit. The only way to still be entertained by this movie at this point is if you have started to play a drinking game I like to call “Peter whines, Pour more moonshine” The rules are simple every time Peter whines, or should I just say delivers a line because let’s be honest he’s whining the whole movie, you drink a shot. Let’s not forget the part where Peter hits MJ in the face after doing what, dancing some more. Of course what else would you expect from a fucking Comic book movie but dancing.
The only reason I stayed to watch the rest this movie is to see Venom, who is one of the most badass villains in the Marvel Universe. How could anyone possibly fuck up Venom?…They fucking did it. They turned Venom into a fucking joke. Okay so he kidnaps MJ, remind you of anything. That’s right the first 2 fucking movies. Let’s use our brains a second here. First movie Green Goblin kidnaps MJ what happens, he dies. Second movie Dr. Octopus kidnaps MJ what happened, he dies. So we can already see where this is leading. Venom dies…after being in the movie for how long 20 fucking minutes you kill one of Spider-man’s biggest enemies. Sandman was in this movie longer than Venom. What the fuck? All in all I would rather watch The View for 24 hours straight than watch Spider-man 3 again.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Rape of My Childhood
Lately there has been a resurgence of shows that were popular in the mid-80s to early 90s becoming movies. This fad has effectively ruined my childhood memories slowly but surely. Welcome to the 21st century when the rape of my childhood began.
First we have Michael Bay’s Transformers, just hearing the word Transformers make me depressed now. I’ll admit that when I first saw the previews I said to myself this movie is going to be kick ass. I am the first to admit that I was completely wrong. First off do I even need to complain about Shia LaDouche’s acting or is it a given that he is horrible in these movies. Now when I think Transformers from the TV show I think Optimus and Megatron, not fucking Sam Witwicky. So anyway they pretty much succeed in making Optimus a complete bitch. Then we have Megatron who I thought would be my saving grace within the first 30 min I said well if Megatron is cool then I’m happy. So what does this movie do it doesn’t have Megatron in it until the last FUCKING 20 min of the movie. Not only that he gets killed by that douchemeister Sam. AND WHERE WAS THE FUCKING GUN that Megatron turns into on the show. I’m not going to even mention the second movie which succeeded in making Optimus even more of a prissy bitch and had guess what even more Sam Wooooo fucking whoooo.
Next we have the dragon ball live-action movie, 5 words that should never ever ever ever ever be mentioned together in front of me again as it causes me to projectile vomit. When I first heard the casting for Goku I already knew this movie was fucked. And then they do something that pretty much instantly made my blood pressure rise which was the release of this character.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???? Are you telling me that this is supposed to be Piccolo. I honestly thought it was just James Marsters in a huge green condom with bondage gear over it. Ok I’m gonna put these together.
….you know what fuck this next movie.
No people that isn’t a picture from the wrong movie this is G.I. Joe. A “Real” American Hero, who can DODGE A FUCKING MISSILE. If you wanted to make a movie about a special unit who has missile dodging suit why didn’t you just make up your own shit. Instead of fucking up yet another of my childhood memories.
Thanks for the giant middle finger that you gave me by making these abominations Hollywood. Now excuse me as I try to repress ever having seen these movies.
First we have Michael Bay’s Transformers, just hearing the word Transformers make me depressed now. I’ll admit that when I first saw the previews I said to myself this movie is going to be kick ass. I am the first to admit that I was completely wrong. First off do I even need to complain about Shia LaDouche’s acting or is it a given that he is horrible in these movies. Now when I think Transformers from the TV show I think Optimus and Megatron, not fucking Sam Witwicky. So anyway they pretty much succeed in making Optimus a complete bitch. Then we have Megatron who I thought would be my saving grace within the first 30 min I said well if Megatron is cool then I’m happy. So what does this movie do it doesn’t have Megatron in it until the last FUCKING 20 min of the movie. Not only that he gets killed by that douchemeister Sam. AND WHERE WAS THE FUCKING GUN that Megatron turns into on the show. I’m not going to even mention the second movie which succeeded in making Optimus even more of a prissy bitch and had guess what even more Sam Wooooo fucking whoooo.
Next we have the dragon ball live-action movie, 5 words that should never ever ever ever ever be mentioned together in front of me again as it causes me to projectile vomit. When I first heard the casting for Goku I already knew this movie was fucked. And then they do something that pretty much instantly made my blood pressure rise which was the release of this character.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???? Are you telling me that this is supposed to be Piccolo. I honestly thought it was just James Marsters in a huge green condom with bondage gear over it. Ok I’m gonna put these together. ….you know what fuck this next movie.
No people that isn’t a picture from the wrong movie this is G.I. Joe. A “Real” American Hero, who can DODGE A FUCKING MISSILE. If you wanted to make a movie about a special unit who has missile dodging suit why didn’t you just make up your own shit. Instead of fucking up yet another of my childhood memories.
Thanks for the giant middle finger that you gave me by making these abominations Hollywood. Now excuse me as I try to repress ever having seen these movies.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)